Wednesday, April 21, 2010

miscarriage, an unrealized dream


Three years ago, Sergio and I lost a baby. I was 3 and a half months pregnant and I had a miscarriage.

Sergio and I had discussed having another child ...Julian was already in middle school.... thinking of having another baby was both exciting and frightening (financially).

However, we decided to give it a go.

It soon became our dream.

I believe deeply in setting intentions and that if you have a desire to achieve or have something manifest in your life, your dreams move along a continuum and then become. I have seen this come to pass in many areas of our lives.

However, no matter how much I desired/set intention for and imagined our new baby, when she finally came to us, she did not stay with us for long.

It took me two years to come to terms with the fact that perhaps our baby was not meant to join us, at least not in this lifetime.

Curiously enough, two weeks ago in Chile, as I looked at a pair of beautiful silver earrings, the Mapuche woman selling them approached me and told me that they were perfect for me.
I asked her what the symbols on them meant, and without knowing anything about me she said they represented my relationship with my spouse (how did she know I was married? I wasn't wearing a wedding band?)...and she said that the two pieces dangling at the bottom represented my children--my earth child (Julian) and my cosmic child. I asked her what she meant by "cosmic child"..and she said it is my child who is still "out there" and whom I may not meet until another lifetime.

wow.

I have no idea how she knew I was married, had a son...and a "cosmic child".
....so I am to understand that sometimes our dreams don't manifest as we expect them to. In any case... I do believe that the baby that did not grow in my belly is "out there somewhere"....I have always believed so, and I have always believed that little soul is a girl.
My cosmic child.

At the time of the miscarriage, when we shared the news with some family/friends, the response was not at all supportive.
"You were not that far along".... or simply "you can try again".
My mother dismissed me entirely when I told her, told me it "could have been a heavy period" and perhaps the doctor was wrong. It was painful.
Nobody seemed to give a second thought to this little baby that was gone.

But we had celebrated her for three months. We had hoped, we had dreamed.... we had planned her her room, we had imagined her dark curls like Sergio's, my freckles.... our brown eyes.
We had dreamed.

Even now, I think of our baby each time I hear of someone getting pregnant..or when someones baby does not come forth into our world.

I have heard it said that every soul that comes into this world comes here with a very specific mission. When that mission is completed, the soul can leave. 
The holiest of souls need so little time here in this world that some never even make it outside the womb

So this little post today is dedicated to our dear little baby-who stayed with us for only a short while...three years ago this month..the little soul went into 'the cosmos'.....
I look forward to meeting you someday.
Te amo...I love you.

tu mami

8 comments:

Debbie Lamey-MacDonald said...

Beautiful Post!! Thanks for sharing! You now have a sweet angel in your midst--Hugs!

Dana said...

Claudia your post brought me to tears. I have two "cosmic babies" I had a miscarriage (at 15 wks) between my oldest and my middle child, and between my middle child and my baby (at 12 weeks).

I too heard things like, well you weren't that far along, there will be other babies, and oh well at least you have other children.

And even though my little angels would have been 20 (next month), and 9 (June) I still think of them often.

When I see kids close to their age, I wonder what they would have looked like, would they have been anything like their brother and sisters.

I thank God for the lessons I took from both of these pregnancies ...things like compassion for others, gratitude for my children, and gentleness for those who try to comfort and miss the mark.

Sending comfort and hugs for you and Sergio, and kisses for your little cosmic angel.

kanejdc said...

Oh, Claudia, I didn't know about that! I had 5 miscarriages (2 before Leah, 3 between Leah and Nathan). The one just before Leah was horrible. The doctor had just seen a heartbeat on ultrasound. I was 13 weeks. I had to have the surgery. I didn't think I would ever have a baby. I found out through testing it was a girl, but I already knew that in my heart. I named her and planted a tree in our yard that is now tall and strong. I believe it carries her spirit. I too heard the trite remarks, or nothing at all. It's awful and you are brave to post about it.

Sherri said...

Claudia and Sergio,
I am in tears reading your latest post about you loosing your child. My heart is going out to you. My daughter lost a child, she was approx. 3 months along, and it was devistating to her. As I know it was to you.
But reading this brought chills and tears to my eyes. I just wanted to let you know that someone out here understands your loss.
I enjoy your posts very much.
Sherri

Meredith Laskow said...

beautiful post! Thanks so much for sharing.

Queen of Bows said...

Kudos for expressing this and putting it out there. No matter others responses, it took strength to get through, strength to keep living with this, and strength to say this.
I'm sure you'll meet your cosmic child when it is right.

Joana said...

A lovely and touching post and beautiful artwork!

Claudia Olivos and Sergio OlivosM said...

Thank you so very much everyone for your comments and your kind words!
It was very difficult to post about this... but I am so encouraged by your responses!

I think we all handle the loss in various ways...some prefer not to talk about it, some name the baby, some like @kanejdc plant a tree...

It is valuable that we share how we cope as it supports others going through similar situations...thus, your comments are as valuable as my post: Thank you for sharing your stories and support!

much love and light to all of you!
Claudia