Monday, March 10, 2014

my bravest post

My bravest post -

Tomorrow marks one month since I received an email which underlined the scapegoat situation that has been a very painful part of my life and which I have *tried* to work through/with/under and over: my whole life and as a result, I have allowed myself to be emotionally abused for many, many years in the name of Love; but sadly, what I had not realized is that ....

...what I neglected all these years was to Love and Honor *me*.

The emotional trauma has been huge and as some of you know, my heart "broke" and on Friday I was told that I have developed a heart condition caused by emotional stress (PVC--nothing serious they tell me).

This past month, I have gotten out of bed only to go to work... one month of crying, of feeling sad and struggling with the palpitations.... And that's Ok, I gave myself permission to mourn for one month.. but now it is time to pick myself back up and gift *me*: self LOVE!

I *KNOW* this will pass and I believe that the space which is opening up in my heart, that space formerly occupied by rejection and sadness ... will now be filled with love and light as I honor and love *me* enough to surround myself with people who *see* me and love me with kindness and in truth.

I appreciate the support that so many of you have shown me via phone calls, emails, thank you, it is a healing balm unto my heart. I love and appreciate you!

I want to share here because I know there are others out there who suffer from the effects of scapegoating... and it is most often from people we love dearly-from parents or spouses and siblings too- (otherwise, we would not allow ourselves to be put in these situations).... and I think many of us 'scapegoats' stay "small" as we have been taught to do... we silence ourselves... and yet sharing is not only healing for ourselves... but we help one another heal too!! 

For me, even though I had read MANY books about toxic family systems, it wasn't until I heard "the right voice" for me... that I finally understood.... so here it is... 
hoping I may be of service through sharing too!

scapegoating system What follows was written by the author of the blog: "mindful of thoughts" -the author chooses to remain anonymous. Bold letters are spacing were added by me. (you can read the entire blog here)

"Those who we call narcissists, those who we call enablers, those who we call golden children, most of the time they do not consciously know that they have cast you in the role of scapegoat. That they have treated you unfairly. They can not see the wrong in their actions, or anticipate the hurt they are causing you. 
..... (they) can not reflect on their own actions or feel healthy amounts of empathy, and so this produces faulty social circles around them, of which you happened to be inside. 
In the end, it’s a big puppet show where the audience, the actors and you yourself are convinced by the complex and subtle ways which you have been manipulated, to believe that it is all your fault. And this is so toxic, so intense, that you get to the point where you no longer have the energy to hate yourself all the time. ...

You don’t even realize you are sacrificing your own innocence to make yourself mentally accountable for the insults and the accusations that aren’t even yours to own!

They say you’re miserable and need a smile on your face. But it keeps slipping. And you are slowly finding that the elements don’t fit together.  And every time you get close, they attack you again and you fall back. It’s two steps back, for every toe forward. And if you’re “lucky” you might come to realize what this little stubborn element inside you is. 
It is the voice of you.

The one you were forced to ignore since you came into this world. The one you never had a choice to listen to. The one they convinced you was wrong, and stupid, and ungrateful and selfish. It speaks to you so quietly, and so outspoken that it knocks your feet out from under you, and you have no choice but to listen. The world dulls, the voices mute, and you finally listen to what it has to say. And you want to cry and scream, and hurt and feel angry at everything you have had denied this little voice, of all the time it has lost, of all the damage it has taken, the injustice it has been served. Of how difficult the path ahead is going to be with the wounds you have obtained. And the lack of trust you feel towards absolutely everyone. And you want justice for it. 

You want to be acknowledged that it is wrong. You want to be consumed by anger, all the anger you have for those who have hurt you. But the voice tells you that anger is just anger, and you no longer can hold it. 
You must dedicate your time to loving yourself. 
Even while you’re standing there and they’re going off at you, yelling, insulting, manipulating. It’s different now. They can’t stick their fingers in your mind and cross the wires. 

The voice is telling you, that you don’t need the anger, the hate and the need to be acknowledged. Because at least you know now. At least you can stand above the master puppeteer and watch the way it manipulates the play. 

The voice tells you that while you are not going to be heard, you can find a small, minuscule place inside yourself and try, try, try and comfort yourself. It tells you that there is no benefit in debating, in convincing others, because the truth is to be felt inside. 

There is no need to convince others you are worthy of emotions and happiness. It is you who needs to know, and it is you and only you who can hear the voice and take it as the center of your universe until the voices of those who almost destroyed it are just shadows banging on the windows..

The realization of your inner voice is bright and innocent. 

What you need to realize is that is it easily misled. It was once wasn't it? Early in childhood, you learnt to believe it was not worthy of listening too. 

Innocence is a beautiful thing, but innocence is also very trusting. Innocence can easily be taught the wrong lessons. Now you need to know that you need support, but you need to get it from the right places. 

Don’t expect people to listen to your voice and understand. Some will turn away and act as if what you just said is irrelevant. This can cause you a major set back. It can make you believe again that you must be wrong in speaking out. No. There are those that will listen. Those who will register your words, and those who will finally say to you that it’s okay. It’s okay because you have someone who can see you now. In all your truth.

There is no need to convince others you are worthy of emotions and happiness. It is you who needs to know, and it is you and only you who can hear the voice and take it as the center of your universe until the voices of those who almost destroyed it are just shadows banging on the windows...."

I wish you all LOVE LOVE LOVE!!


cri-cri said...

it took a long time for me to find the courage to accept my little voice wasn´t always what others expected ...but now , I hear it, I listen to it , I accept it ...I simple be me ....

Richard Grannon said...

thanks for the mention Claudia, wishing you all the best