Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Breaking out of my abusers' cocoon, healing into a mariposa/butterfly

I finished my "Mariposas" painting- a painting inspired by the great author Gabriel Garcia Marquez, who passed away last week.... and it led me to think about the journey I have been on since early February... a shedding of the cocoon of lies I had unwittingly & unknowingly been wrapped up in via my abusers.





It kept me in a cocoon of self doubt, low self esteem, second guessing etc... 

The painting came into being in three different stages... interesting to me-because though not on purpose, it does mirror my own journey of "coming into being" after years of abuse and being led to think that I was the one to blame. 

The painting was initially painted in 2012, and she hung in the studio all this time. I retook the project last week, the same week it was confirmed to me that my lifelong struggle with feeling unloved and unwanted by my family of origin was NOT my imagination, indeed: 


I am and always have been a victim of abuse as the scapegoat of the family 
I have spent so many years trying to understand "why do they treat me like this"

I have been a victim of Narcissistic Personality Disorder/NPD which is so damaging because it is insidious and secret, it maintains the victim in a state of incongruency with self because " Gaslighting: the victim is typical.


from my 'healing the mother wound' workshop journal 

One is convinced by the narcissists that one is 'faulty', 'broken' or (as I was told by my abusers): 'damaged goods', 'crazy' and having a 'vivid imagination'..... and worse yet, they run smear campaigns where the actual victim is made out to look like the perpetrator.

Gail Meyers writes about what has also been my personal experience:


 "For example, this is one of my narcissistic personality disordered mother's favorite maneuvers. She would verbally assault me, then scapegoat by telling everyone I verbally assaulted her while wrapping it all in fake concern. This was her concealing her abuse by playing the victim while vilifying the true victim

She would then tell everyone who would listen how she was verbally assaultedwhile imposing the silent treatment on me.


Then at whatever point we spoke again she would gaslight me by rewriting history and claiming I owed her an apology. This is often how she concealed her abuse, garnered pity, and rallied the flying monkeys for abuse by proxy." 


You feel alone, confused. It is heartbreaking especially coming from a mother and close family members. I have read that it is one of the hardest of all abuses to heal from....


one of many Mother's Day that left me brokenhearted and in tears.



To FINALLY *know* "it is them, not me"... has been liberating...


To all victims of abuse: Just think how gorgeously our TRUE selves evolve and how high we can fly once we aren't held back anymore! 


I am sorry if this upsets family whom I love and hold dear to my heart... I have to speak the truth. There have been too many lies-all my life, the smear campaigns perpetuated by my family of origin have defined me ... the secrecy has added fuel to it all, and the truth finally has set me free and much of  it is due to the sharing of others who too, have been abused.



....and for now, I need to shout it from the rooftops.
It is part of my healing
I have to honor my heart after years of remaining silent as a scapegoat.
AND I want to be a voice for others too.... I have been so blessed to find the stories of others who have been through this journey too (some of the links here).

There have been countless times when friends of family, extended family and friends have asked me about the lies they have heard about me... I just never understood...
I have been in denial too long.... time to be set free from a lifetime of abuse. I understand now that I was in denial, which is common for people who are abused by people they love.


I will not let the abuse define me... but at least for now, 
I need to share this truth, to be seen and heard. 

one of many journal pages I made to convince myself
"I am worthy"


"It is much easier to make good men wise than to make bad men good." 

~Henry Fielding, 1749

I will not let the abuse define me... quite the opposite: I have allowed the abuse to define me all these years... now, I am shedding all the crap that has been heaped upon me as the scapegoat .... I am dusting myself off .... and I will soon be SOARING higher than ever!!


Thank you to all of YOU who have supported me *so* much throughout the years... especially those of you who although have been told lies about me, still held me close to your heart. And thank you to all my friends who have believed me and held me as I have struggled with something none of us could understand... thank you, I love you.

18 comments:

Pamela.Otero said...

Lots of llove! I deeply understand and share your feelings.

Claudia Olivos and Sergio OlivosM said...

Oh Pamela! Thank you so much for saying that and taking the time to comment.
I am sorry that you too have shared in this pain--but I hope you too are on a path of healing and honoring your beautiFULL self.

((hugs))
Claudia

Barbara Tucker said...

Bless you Claudia. You are such a sweet and talented lady and it is hard to understand why anyone would want to hurt your heart. But I know all too well that no matter how much we love, we give of ourselves, and try to always understand the abuser, they can and most times will continue to hurt us. The worst of all betrayal comes not from strangers, but from those we love.
Stay strong sweet lady and continue to soar,
Hugs,
Barbara Tucker

Claudia Olivos and Sergio OlivosM said...

Thank you so much dear Barbara, you are such an inspiration and encourager to me! I thank you for your love & loving care!

((hugs))
Claudia

Jess said...

Thankyou for sharing your story and your beautiful artwork. It helps so many people that have been through family abuse (and so-called friends' abuse too)to read this and I hope that those people that hurt you come to realise how wonderful you really are.
Jess x

Claudia Olivos and Sergio OlivosM said...

Thank you so much Jess.. it is such a difficult thing to live with, I appreciate your support and encouragement!

love,
Claudia

Sofia Dabalsa said...

i continue to commend your bravery and boldness. i love that finally you have broken through the cocoon. you are LOVE and anyone who does not know that does not know it in themselves. xxx besos

Claudia Olivos and Sergio OlivosM said...

Thank you so much dear Sofia! I am blessed to have found a soulsister in you.

MUCH love,
Claudia

Amy said...

Claudia, you have been a shining light to me, ever since I met you online. I hope to meet you in person one day! I am so happy for you that you are re-writing your story. Blessings, dear friend!

Claudia Olivos and Sergio OlivosM said...

Thank you so much Amy! YOU have been a blessing to me... thank you for chatting with me/*listening* to me rambling on about this before I had clarity about what it was all about... it has been SO helpful to have people like you in my life!

I do hope we get to hang out soon!

love you!
Claudia

cookievf said...

You are a beacon of light and love to all who meet you and I have SEEN the size of your warm, loving heart since the day I met you online. God bless your strength, resilience, the power of love from your husband and all the various stages of awakenings you've experienced along the way that have brought you to this healing place! Thank you for your honesty ~ you will touch MANY with this powerful post! Proud to call you friend. I love you.
~ Vicki xo

Claudia Olivos and Sergio OlivosM said...

Thank you SO much Vicki for your empowering comment and love!
Indeed, there have been so many *awakenings* and *knowings* for so long... still, the denial and natural "wanting to run back to the parents" that is typical from young and adult children ... this had to be shed and light brought forth to light the path ahead... I do hope it will encourage others as I too have been encouraged.

Thank you for your sweet love... I could not have done it without the help of people like you!

love you
xox
Claudia

Claudia Olivos and Sergio OlivosM said...

Thank you SO much Vicki for your empowering comment and love!
Indeed, there have been so many *awakenings* and *knowings* for so long... still, the denial and natural "wanting to run back to the parents" that is typical from young and adult children ... this had to be shed and light brought forth to light the path ahead... I do hope it will encourage others as I too have been encouraged.

Thank you for your sweet love... I could not have done it without the help of people like you!

love you
xox
Claudia

Claudia Olivos and Sergio OlivosM said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

“There is a theme from children of a narcissistic parent(s). The child is subjected to unbearable levels of ongoing abuse–scalding criticisms, withering humiliations in front of other family members and alone, routine secret physical beatings and other horrendous acts of brutality including psychological and literal abandonment. When the child lets family members know what is happening to him, this person is not believed. When the victim of a narcissist tells the truth about his dreadful pathological parent, he is not treated with kindness or understanding. The family is shocked; the victim is treated with disdain and often told he/she is the sick one or that this is all lies to get attention. The narcissistic mother or father gets a complete pass. A masterful coverup takes place and remains ongoing. The child victims become family pariahs. Often the suggestion is whispered that they belong in a psychiatric institution or are in need of intensive psychotherapy.” (Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D, author of Freeing Yourself From the Narcissist in Your Life)

Anonymous said...

SIBLINGS:

The narcissistic parent has already waged a lifelong campaign to make sure the siblings will not be close. For example, a common thread in narcissistic parents is to triangulate their children… The narcissistic parent will choose a Scapegoat (to bear the brunt of all her/his criticism and abuse) and a Golden Child (to bear all his/her praise, even if for the smallest achievements). The parent will also play the children off each other (known as triangulation), encouraging the Golden Child’s abuse of the Scapegoat and the Scapegoat to grow envious of the Golden Child. (Note: Both the Golden Child and the Scapegoat suffer, though the Scapegoat is far more likely to grow up and break the cycle than the Golden Child.)

And because the narcissistic parent has dominated the lines of communication in a family (all communications go through her), the siblings may not know the truth about one another, may not even talk to each other, etc. The narcissistic parent has spent her lifetime gossiping about her children to one another, distorting their perceptions of one another, and making sure that the siblings will not communicate honestly with one another; she has done this to guarantee that they will not rise united against her.

An awakened ACoN should hold fast to the truth and be aware that her siblings–if they are still communicating via the narcissist and in constant communication with her—will deny the existence of abuse. The ACoN siblings still remain in hope of winning the narcissistic parent’s love, cannot bear the truth, and, if the sibling is a Golden Child, unwilling to break off the source of exaggerated praise and neediness that passes off as a “relationship.”

Anonymous said...

I meant to write this sooner but this post as sparked a gigantic and truly life-changing revelation for me and I have been completely enveloped by it. I am so completely and totally proud of you for speaking your truth, outloud for the world to see. You are insanely brave! I cant even think of a word higher than brave! :D This happened to you, it was real. It IS real. There is nothing wrong with you and I am excited for your journey of discovering you without the lies!

Claudia Olivos and Sergio OlivosM said...

Thank you so much for sharing that this has been a revelation to you!

This makes me so happy, as indeed was very much part of why I took the risk of exposing my experience for all to see.

Thank YOU so much for your kind support and encouragement with my sharing!
I do feel *brave* in sharing... though still *shaking in my boots* because it IS real as you say... so it has so much power and energy... I feel joyFULL to know that this is indeed, bad energy turning into GOOD!

xoxox
Love & Light to you!
<3